Coz I Don't Wanna Lie in a Poorman's Grave

This song has been in my mind for a few days now only to realize that I would be dedicating it to a man who died because of hunger. Yes, starvation.

His name is Juanito. I forgot his last name. I have known him since I was a kid. He's an all-around worker. He used to tend to my grandparents' rice farm. He would remove the weeds, fix the field dike and take care of the irrigation. He can also climb coconut trees, remove dead leaves and get young coconut fruits. You can also have him cut the grasses in your backyard and paint your fences, he would gladly do them all. He also, occasionally, takes care of my parent's farm.

He's illiterate. As far as I know, he can't read or write. He doesn't even know which one is his right hand and which one is his left. This is the reason why he can't get a decent, stable job and would constantly rely on "on-call" field jobs.

There's one thing that I would never forget about that guy. It would always make my mother laugh whenever we remember it. We used to have a small fish tank with a handful of fishes, some decorations and an oxygen pump. One time, while eating lunch and watching the TV, he said, "Buhay na buhay yung mga isda. Ganyan talaga gusto nila e, yung kumukulu-kulo pa." (The fishes are so lively. That's what they really like, when the water's boiling.) It's funny but at the same time, shows his innocence about how the world works.

He died a few days ago, the date I'm not sure of. My mother said that he died because he has barely eaten anything the past few weeks before his death. She noticed that he was very thin, easily gets tired and walks like a zombie. She asked him if he's sick and had seen the doctor. Well, the answer should be obvious. He hasn't because he doesn't have any money. She then learned further that his wife is not giving him any money for food. And he's not being taken care of by his children.

You see, he's madly in love with his wife. He gives her all of the money that he gets. But her wife, it seems, just spends them on paying her loans and buying lipsticks and make-ups.

Neighbors said that he was seen asking some folks for a few pesos just to be able to eat rice porridge. He even asked my mother to climb the coconut trees again in exchange for a few pesos. But my mother declined because she saw that he's not capable of doing it anymore. Had she known that it would be his last days, she said she would gladly give him some money, for food and medical attention.

You can tell he's trying to survive. You can tell he wants to live. He would not be dragging his limping body, asking people for money if he already gave up on life. His mind was tough. But his body gave up on him.

I would normally not be bothered by this. People die around us and we can go about in our own lives and give zero fucks. They can die of accidents, natural causes, old age and hunger but we barely give them attention if they're not dear to us. But this man, I have known him since I was a kid. We do not have any special manly relationship, you know. The guy, probably, barely remembers my name. He might even call me using my brother's name. I do not exactly know why I am bothered by this. Probably because we have some sort of connection, no matter how small it is. Or probably because I have never imagined someone close to me, dying of hunger. And by close, I mean someone from our place. Not from another city. Not from another country. Someone I have known for so long. No form of special relationship or whatever. Just someone I have known for a long time.

Or probably because his wife and children did not take care of him. He was not given enough love. He was not given food. He was not given medicines. He was just there, spending his few days, wandering around looking for money. Or probably lying in his bed, dreaming of better days. Or probably thinking of only one thing, "I don't wanna lie in a poorman's grave."